No Matter What
by crazybeef
Summary: After the wedding-that-wasn't, Willow goes to see how Xander's doing, and has a few revelations herself.


Hi people! How's it going? Okay, love "Buffy," don't own squat. Wish I did, cuz then I'd have my dirty minded way with Xander...Okay anyways, feedback is most definitely welcome, but be gentle. I'm still really bad at this so...k, well, enjoy! This takes place right after "Hell's Bells." I haven't watched this episode in a while or the ones that come right after so the timing may be off but, whatever.  
******  
  
I stepped into the room, kinda nervously. I hadn't really stopped by in a while, just to chat. Wait, since when do I use the word "chat?" I've been spending too much time around...not normal people. Well anyways, I haven't really stopped by just to figure out what's going on in his life. Which makes me sad. There was a time when I saw him every day, him staying the night at my house at least once a week. (Of course we never stayed at his house. It just...sucked over there. I gotta wonder if it still does.) If this was three years ago, I would have hunted him down immediately after he left and forced him to discuss his feelings. But now...  
  
I had my own stuff to deal with though. I had this exciting new source of angst. Who would have thought I, who hadn't had a drink until I actually turned 21, was addicted to something? Of course, they never showed those videos where people go crazy and start selling their furniture to get newt eyes. No one ever tells you to just say no to magic. And, of course, there was Tara. I had my own romantic dramas! And I'm expected to take care of Xander's?  
  
Then I realize that I'm trying to rationalize neglecting my best friend, and that it's not actually making me feel better. I thought Xander was happy, and the fact that I was so desperately wrong just shows me how small a part I've been letting him play in my life. Xander was my entire childhood wrapped up in one adorable smile and a pair of deep brown puppy dog eyes. I guess that when I packed up all my stuffed animals and stored them in my mom's closet, I stuffed him in there too.   
  
But right then, I knew that he needed me. One thing I definitely remember about Xander is that he has no idea how to handle pain. It makes him regress in maturity. The random beer bottles confirm my suspicions. Xander's a lousy drunk when he's hurting. I looked around the apartment before moving further in the doorway. It was a mess. Okay that pretty much goes without saying since the name Alexander Harris is on the lease, but I mean messier than usual. I almost felt 16 again when I saw a pair of his Tweety Bird boxers lying on the floor. I hated to admit it, but I occasionally have to remind myself that I'm a lesbian when I'm around Xander. Which now that I think about it is kinda sad.  
  
Thoughts back to helping my friend, I glanced in the bathroom and wrinkled my nose as I found him. Found him complete with hangover and barfy smell, hanging over the toilet sort of unconcious. I hurried into the bathroom and squat down next to him. I pushed a strand of dark hair away from his eyes, amazed at how beautiful he is when he sleeps. When I was little, I would sometimes stare at him while he slept; on the floor in his flying saucer pajamas and me in my Barbie nightgown. Again with the patheticness of younger me.   
  
He has such wonderful eyes. When he opens them, he looks at me with a look of surprise and confusion.  
  
"Will? W-what are you doing h..." The look on his face tells me to lift the seat and aim his head over the bowl. My instincts were proven correct when the small contents of his stomach poured out of his mouth. I can see he's been doing a lot of this. I rubbed his back and pushed his hair out of his face, realizing that he needs a haircut. When he's done barfing, he slumps down in my arms. I held him tight, his head falling on my shoulder with all his energy gone. His behavior starting to make me panic, I squeeze him hard and kiss his cheek. A small smile almost forms on his lips, but dies halfway there.   
  
There have been few occasions when Xander has been too hurt, or scared to crack jokes. Maybe two. And they've been really, really bad, making me scared. One was right after he staked Jesse. I'm not stupid. I realize that no one talks about him anymore, which is just...dumb. A best friend dies, at your own hands, and you don't just repress. But that's what Xander does. He represses stuff. And it all just builds up until he's incredibly unhappy and blows up and does something stupid, like leave his fiancee at the altar. But that night, after we walked home, I saw Xander cry, for the first time since puberty. I held him in my arms, and he cried until I thought he would just crumble and die. But then he got up and walked into the house, and we never spoke of it again. Now, seeing Xander sweaty and barfy, I realize that probably wasn't a good thing.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
I look down into his face. He looks up at me, but I can tell not really focusing. His hand comes up to his head and he winces.   
  
"Will? Can you kinda...talk quieter, or something? My head's kinda killing me."  
  
"Sorry. Are you okay?"  
  
I'm the queen of stupid questions.  
  
"Yea, Will. I'm fine." To elaborate, I guess, he then barfs an intestine or two onto my shirt. Ooh, smelly. "Oh, God! Will, I'm so sorry!" he cried and then grabbed his head in pain.  
  
"No! No, it's okay sweetie. Don't worry about it." To keep the barfy smell from making me puke, I have no choice but to remove my shirt. I figured though, that it wouldn't seem too trashy, me stripping in front of my emotionally vulnerable friend, considering my friend's barely concious. And, of course, because I'm a lesbian.   
  
I reach up and grab a towel from the sink and start wiping Xander's face with it. It's then that I notice the tears streaking down his face, mingling with sweat. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed.  
  
This almost killed me. Xander buried his sweaty face in my hair, and I just rubbed his back, not really knowing what to do. I've had Xander share his feelings with me. Hell I saw him through all the milestones: first kiss, (me; has more meaning now though, than it did then.) first girlfriend (NOT me, sadly, unless you count five year old me and Xander) first sex...okay that was enough right there. But although I felt like I'd seen everything with him, this still scared me. I can't really remember Xander falling completely to pieces like this. What can a person do if her Xander's falling apart? My Xander's always been strong and reliable and...special. And then I realize that I've been really ignoring that for a while.   
  
I can feel tears come to my eyes as I realize that I've been a bad Willow to my Xander for a while now. It dawns on me that over the last year or so, we haven't really been Willow and Xander. I tightened my arms around him and stroked his hair. I hear him through hiccuping sobs say quietly, "It hurts Will. It hurts so much. What did I do?"  
  
I feel the tears break the barrier now. "It's okay sweetie. It'll all be okay."   
  
No it won't. It's never okay around here. Friends die and we lose battles and none of us will EVER have a decent, lasting relationship. Which breaks my heart because I thought Xander and Anya were going to be the exception. But the Hellmouth never works as our friend.  
  
But even if its not true, I have to let him know it'll all be allright. Because that's what he'd do for me. And I'm also aware that he's more gullible when he's drunk. And, not to toot my own horn or nothing, but he loves me, and he's always believed in me. I feel like I've let him down though, not knowing exactly what to do to help him. But I love him, and I need to figure it out. Because I can't lose my Xander.  
  
I held Xander until I realized that he had fallen into a rather restless sleep. I was scared to move, figuring that he probably wouldn't be as...crazy in his sleep. So I just sat there rubbing his back, watching over my best friend like I used to, and hoped that he would be better when he woke up.  
  
*******  
  
I assume I fell asleep not too long after my butt got numb. I was still sitting on Xander's bathroom floor, his head in my lap. His slight movement and soft wimpering let me know that he was about to wake up.   
  
I ran my hands through his soft hair and urged him awake. "Xander?"  
  
He let out a small gasp and his eyes fluttered open. "Will?" he said through his sleep/hangover fog. His hands came up to his eyes and rubbed them, then he looked up at me. "Will, what are you doing here?"  
  
I shrugged. "I just...stopped by to chat."  
  
Xander scrunched his forehead. "Chat?"  
  
I always thought me and Xander were on the same brainwave. "I stopped by to see if you were okay."   
  
The look in Xander's eyes made me wish I hadn't asked. I saw them glaze and tears threatening to fall. "Why? I'm the idiot that got myself into this. Why should I be okay?" His voice broke on the last word, and the tears fell. I felt my own eyes water and I pulled him towards me. His head fell on my shoulder and he shook under my arms. I felt the tears soak through my shirt, and my tears fell into his hair.  
  
"It'll be okay Xander. It'll feel better later."  
  
"No. No it won't."  
  
"Yes it will. Look at me."  
  
I raised his chin up. His face was shiny and wet and his eyes were splashed with redness. My heart kept breaking slowly into little pieces looking at him. "Don't you trust me?"  
  
Tears poured out of his eyes at that. Then he grabbed me in his arms and held me tight against him. "Yes! I love you Willow. I love you more than anything!"  
  
Despite my shock at this sudden emotion coming from him, I felt kind of relieved. I was sure Xander was going to be detatched from me. But instead, he still loves me. Still loves me, despite all the crap I've put him through. And I love him. I love him so much, and I know that when I'm old and gray and living by myself with millions of cats, Xander's gonna come over and sit with me and watch reruns of "Friends." And every Christmas, he's going to come over and we're going to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" together. And, provided he can still get up by then, he's going to do the Snoopy dance for me. Xander's always going to be there for me, and he's always going to love me. No matter what.  
  
"It feels like I'm dying. How am I gonna get through this?"  
  
I closed my eyes to block my tears. Then I squeezed my arms around my best friend. With thoughts drifting through my head of ice cream cones and stolen Barbies, I said in his ear, "We'll get through it together."  
  
Then he kissed me on the cheek and let more tears fall, and I knew that we would, like we always had. No matter what.  
  
******  
  
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked this piece of crap. Please review, it always makes my day happy and sunny. Love ya! Oh and by the way, I was just randomly watching "Good-bye Iowa" the other day, and I was wondering something. Does anybody else think Xander looks unbelievably adorable in a comando uniform? Purrrrrrr...... Okay I'm a freak. Oh well. I'm over it. 


End file.
